So, I had another puker. And this one takes the cake as one of the most interesting rides that I’ve given yet.
So to start out, I picked up this group of people from the Grand Woods Lodge, better known as “The Woods”. It was a pretty normal Friday night. Things were going pretty well and I was having a pretty good night. The surge was high, and lots of money was being made. So I get a ping from this guy, and I just hit accept because, well whatever. So i head on over there and park on the side of the Woods. I wait for about 3 or 4 minutes and then I call the rider because usually they’ve gotten in by now. He answers and I can tell he’s pretty drunk and he’s looking for me on the other side of the building that’s there is no parking at. So he walks over finally and he raps on the window and motions for me to roll it down. Now let me just explain what guy looks like. Picture Pitbull. That’s it. That’s this guy. Pitbull looking dude. Button down shirt half unbuttoned, fancy big watch, sunglasses (I DID mention this as at like 2am exactly right?), and other random jewelry.I knew the ride was going to be interesting already because they were too drunk to find me, sitting right at the corner in plain view. But then dude starts in on me. “Listen bro, here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to take us to my apartment and we are going to run in and make a couple drinks and then you’re going to bring us to the Hookah Lounge.” My immediate thought is don’t nobody TELL me what I’m going to or not going to do. But seeing as this is a customer service type job, I tell him that I’m sure we can figure something out. So “Pitbull” and his 3 girlfriends pile into my Jeep. I verify his name, and once they are all in, I officially accept the ride, and then verify their destination. As soon as I pull away from the curb he lets me know again, for the 2nd or third time in 30 seconds that they are going to get drinks and go to the Hookah Lounge. But then he lets me know that they are going to bring said drinks with them on the way. So, I politely let him and his friends know, that I’m not going to risk my job and or go to jail for them having alcoholic drinks in my car. So now at this point he had been getting pretty aggressive about this whole ride but he decided to switch it up and play the cool friend / I’ll toss you a fat tip card. So I’ve got him jabbering at me in the front seat.
Now, lets move to the back seat. Three girls back there as I said earlier. Two of the three girls have been jabbering back and forth to each other pretty loudly, because that’s how drunk people talk, right? The girl behind me here’s that I’m shooting “Pitbull” down and that I’m not going to allow open drinks in my car. So she decides to start badgering me about it. Except she goes about it a different way. She leans forward and starts whispering into my ear and offering me sexual favors and her phone number if I’ll just let them do this. And she’s being persistent. She starts like touching my ear and trying to rub the back of my head. Dude in the front seat starts offering her to me as well, on top of trying to “tip me big on the app”. So I got these two knucklheads jabbering at me, and the girl in the middle decides she needs to chime in too. She starts attacking me, and telling me that I’m a lame driver, and that I’m acting pretty square because this is Grand Rapids, and everybody drinks in the back seat. She starts telling dude not to tip me, and just being rude in general because she feels that I’m not offering good customer service, even though I’m trying to explain to her that it’s my drivers license and that I would be the one getting in trouble, not them. So at this point, all three of them are talking over each other and berating me with their comments. “Pitbull” up front, girl behind me, and girl in the middle.
Now, you’ll remember that I said there was four of them. Girl in the passenger back hasn’t said a word that I could hear the entire time. That should have been the warning sign to me that something was up. But I wasn’t paying attention because I was already dealing with so much. I pull up in front of their apartment building on Fulton and Sheldon. Yes, that’s like 5-6 minutes away with 2am bar traffic. Not very long, but with 3 people all trying to talk to you louder than the other two, it’s a lot to take in. So I’ve been standing my ground with these three and telling them that it’s not going to happen. I pull up, put the car in park and I hear the worse thing. “ROLL THE WINDOW DOWN NOW” the former quiet girl screams out. Of course, ones instant reaction to that scream, is to immediately push EVERY SINGLE OTHER BUTTON than her window control button. Alas, instead of simply just opening the door, she pukes. All over the window, all over the door, all over the floor, inside the little door cubby, outside the door because I eventually got the window down.
After she pukes her spinach laden beer / liquor up she gets out. “Pitbull” gets out of the front seat and immediately starts yelling at the poor girl who puked all over my car. “YOU BETTER NOT PUKE IN MY APARTMENT”! He never says another word to me. No I’m sorry, no I’ll tip you, no I’ll help clean it, just nothing. I’m thinking to myself, ok buddy… You’ve got at least 1 kitchen sink, a bathroom sink, a toilet, AND a tub for her to puke in for relatively easy cleanup. UNLIKE MY JEEP! At this point the puker has gotten out of the car, and the girl in the middle is telling me that dude is rich and he’ll give me cash for my trouble (which he didnt’ do of course). She carefully slides out because there’s puke on the seat. Meanwhile the girl sitting behind me, is literally still offering me BJ’s and other sexual favors if I’ll let them run inside, make drinks and bring them to Hookah. I turn around and I’m like, listen woman. Your friends are all out of the car. Your girlfriend just puked all over my jeep. My night is done, I can’t take anymore people now because of this. Please get out. So she wiggles her boobs and tells me I could’ve had them and proceeds to slide out of the Jeep. Not get out her own door. No, she slides across the back seat, into the puke, and out of the car. Some poetic justice right there.
So I drive straight to a gas station, take pictures and send them to Uber. A nice fat extra $150 waiting for me the next morning.